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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2014 14:41:47 GMT -5
[attr="class","main"] [attr="class","name"]Crow Highleaf [attr="class","race"]Daelish, Elven [attr="class","minihead"]AGE | [attr="class","minihead"]GENDER | [attr="class","minifield"]Twenty-Two | [attr="class","minifield"]Male | [attr="class","minihead"]Archetype | [attr="class","minihead"]Profession | [attr="class","minifield"]Outdoorsman | [attr="class","minifield"]Hunter/Scout | [attr="class","minihead"]Rank | [attr="class","minihead"]Class | [attr="class","minifield"]0 | [attr="class","minifield"]Rogue |
[attr="class","infoh"]Physical Attributes [attr="class","minihead2"]Hair & Eyes | [attr="class","minihead2"]Height/Weight/Build | [attr="class","minifield2"]Long, white hair, sharp green eyes | [attr="class","minifield2"]176 cm tall, 75 kg, slenderly built |
[attr="class","infoc"]A slender elf with tanned skin, Crow's most prominent feature is his thick mane of wild, snow-white hair, which frames an oval face with two sharp, green eyes. He has green war tattoos in his face on his cheekbones, resembling two triangles on each side.
As a hunter and scout, Crow has seen much fighting, both against the predators and monsters of the Brecilian Forest, and against human incursions. He has a scar going from his larynx to his abdomen on his muscular chest, which is usually hidden by the tight fitted green garbs that he wear as a functional set of clothes for woodsland traversing.
He always carries his trusted longbow on his back with a quiver full of arrows, and has a short sword similarly on his back at all times, as well as a hunting dagger in his belt. He wears a pair of dalish boots, a pair of relatively loose fit green leggings tucked into the boots, and a short sleeved green tunic on his upper body, reaching down to thigh length. The tunic has a deeply cut neck reaching below his collarbones, and is sometimes worn open, and sometimes closed with a belt around his waist. He also wears bracers on his wrists. [attr="class","infoh"]Personality [attr="class","minihead2"]Five Positive Traits | [attr="class","minihead2"]Five Negative Traits | [attr="class","minifield2"]Courage, caring of his friends, adaptive, resourceful, confident | [attr="class","minifield2"]Cocky, hotheaded, suspicious, unwelcoming, rude |
[attr="class","infoc"]Crow is not a bad person by any accounts. However, he is raised among the Daelish, where suspicion, and even hatred towards humans comes with the elven heritage. This is reinforced in Crow because his mother was once raped and killed by human noblemen on a hunt in the Brecilian forest. As a result, Crow hates humans with a passion.
This has created in him a strong suspicion and hostility towards outsiders, even towards city elves, and made him a beautiful hotpot of wry sarcasm, rude remarks and open hostility. But he is not an altogether bad person; he is very close to, and caring of his friends and his clan, and he is courageous when it comes to protecting them, or any fighting. He is however hotheaded and overly cocky, which often gets him in trouble both with his own elders, and with humans whose path is crossed by his.
[attr="class","infoh"]Background [attr="class","infoc"]Crow was born the son of Esmerelle and Roan, two of his clan's foremost hunters. He never got to know his parents very closely, however, as when the young boy was five, his parents were killed by the hunting party of a young human noble who made an incursion into the Brecilian Forest. His mother was also raped before being hung from a tree to die.
The young Crow was raised by the clan's other hunters as an orphan, and while he never found anybody to look up at as a mother or father figure to replace his dead parents, he took very well to the skills that the hunters taught him, finding his refuge and solace alone in the wilderness of the endless forests, which he spent his youth wandering. He honed his skills and in time became a hunter and scout with his clan.
While a loner by nature, the few friends he had when he grew up, most of which were hunters in training like himself, were very close to him and some times accompanied him on his excursions in the Brecilian Forest. They always found him to be a good and loyal friend who would risk his own life without thought to protect them in combat. Though Dalish clans have few ranks, Crow is one of the more relied upon scouts and hunters of his, despite his youth and his hotheaded nature, and his skill with the bow is known far and wide. His hatred for humans and suspicion of outsiders, while understandable, is considered somewhat of a problem, however. |
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Post by ⇐EL⇒ on Oct 21, 2014 16:26:36 GMT -5
| [attr="class","head1"]Pending! [attr="class","head2"]Guide me through the blackest nights [attr="class","content1"] We've found a few issues that need to be touched up before you can be accepted. Once you have fixed the issues specified below, inform the staff member who pended you to re-evaluate your application (through PM would be best).
Should be Dalish instead of Daelish, and you should still mention his nationality. Since you say the Brecilian forest, it'd be Fereldan.
Appearance is fine.
Your personality could use a few quick touch ups. Under positive traits, it should be 'Courageous'.
You mention that he isn't a completely bad person twice, which is a little redundant, and also elaborate on his distrust of outsiders twice. I'd remove both repeated instances and try and elaborate on his other strengths and weaknesses. Playing up his confidence, loyalty, and his hot head would really make the profile sing. You don't even really mention his adaptability or resourcefulness.
His history is just a toooouch dramatic. While there is a ton of darkness and death in the DA Universe, at present Crow beats out even the more grim origins in DAO in terms of tragedy. You could have it so his mother was raped, and his father was murdered, or that both of his parents were murdered. But murdered parents and a raped mom is just a bit much.
The final paragraph in your history has a line break. Please space it apart to be a new paragraph. Now, with that addressed, these two final paragraphs aren't really reflective of his background. The first mentions his loyalty to his friends, which actually seems more appropriate in the personality section. The second is more reflective of his influence over the clan, which I might argue would make him likely to have a rank 1 because he's respected and an authority on something. Unless he is simply skilled.
I would recommend maybe going over his childhood and how he grew into his role as a respected hunter. It doesn't have to be long, but it would help polish things up and show how he became the man he is.
Lemme know when you've made the edits suggested above, and we'll get Crow going.
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